4,012 Items of Insanity
by siriusly klutzy
Summary: Who responds to a random letter attached to their owl claiming someone has 4,012 things? Alice and I do. Really, I’ve got to stop listening to that girl. No good comes out of anything I do when she comes up with the ideas.


**Summary: Who responds to a random letter attached to their owl claiming someone has 4,012 things? Alice and I do. Really, I've got to stop listening to that girl. No good comes out of anything I do when she comes up with the ideas.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

**4,012 Items of Insanity**

**a Siriusly Klutzy story.**

"There is absolutely nothing even remotely interesting about Sneezing Charms," I groaned, smashing my head into my Charms book.

Alice nodded. "And that's coming from the girl who eats, breathes, and bathes in charms facts," she said, slowly shutting her book and discretely shoving it slowly towards the edge of the table.

"Nothing! It's like throwing pepper up someone's nose for Merlin's sake! They're so _boring_! Why does Flitwick want us to write a three foot essay on _Sneezing Charms_?" Sometimes, I truly believe that dear old Filius Flitwick has lost his little mind.

"How does he expect us to do it in two days?" Alice asked a little loudly in order to cover the sound of her not-quite-tiny Charms book hitting the floor.

"How does he expect us to do it without suicidal thoughts?" I sat up a bit.

"Or considering killing him?"

"It's obvious," I answered solemnly. "Dear Professor Flitwick has gone mad."

Alice nodded. "Someone should alert Dumbledore."

"Immediately," I agreed.

"What are you two nutters going on about?" Marlene asked, appearing behind us with what looked like three feet of essay.

"Is that…?" Alice started.

"…you're essay?" I finished, realizing at that moment that Alice and I should probably spend some time apart.

Marlene nodded and sat down at our table. "Yup," she nodded, "I finished it _hours _ago."

"Then where have you been?" I demanded, snatching the essay and staring at it, not quite reading it, as if I could absorb three feet of useless by mere sight.

Marlene grinned and muttered the name of some Hufflepuff bloke whom she has been ranting about for a week now, because apparently he has arms that can only happen when you cheat the gene pool. Whatever that means.

"So you guys aren't done?" she asked, looking at my almost blank parchment and the nothing in front of Alice. "Uh…huh. Well, that's unfortunate." She grinned and went to the nice poofy chair by the fire to talk to some sixth years.

"How is she done before us?" Alice groaned, slowly bending over to get her book and nearly falling out of her chair from lack of effort.

"I think you, me, and Marlene switched bodies," I answered with a nod.

Once Alice came back up above the table, she said, "I wouldn't be surprised. That's probably happened more than once."

"This sucks."

_Smack!_

"That sucks," Alice agreed. We both turned toward the source of the sound: the window.

"What _was _that?" I asked, getting up grateful for a distraction from my not-quite-yet-an essay.

"Lily, is that your owl?" Alice asked. She rushed over to the window and pushed it open. "It _is_! Who's sending you mail? That's not your mum's handwriting."

I wondered briefly how she knew what Mum's handwriting looked like, but I was too confused about my owl smacking into a window to ask.

"Does he normally smack into windows?" Marlene called from her six year posse.

"Yes," I called back, rushing over and retrieving poor dear Captain. He shook himself out, smoothing his feathers, and held out his leg.

"It's got a letter," Alice pointed out.

I rolled my eyes. "Of course it's got a letter."

"Who's it from?" she asked.

"I don't know yet."

"Read it."

"Merlin, Alice, I'm _trying_! Shut up for a second!" She grinned as I took the letter off of Captain's leg.

_Dear Opener of this Letter,_

_You have shown interest in the fact that there are four thousand peanut butter and jam sandwiches behind the largest statue on the fifth floor, along with twelve Chocolate Frogs. Now, there _used _to be fourteen Chocolate Frogs, but you'll have to excuse my accomplice for he has hunger issues that he cannot control._

_Come get these things at once, or they will go to a waste for my accomplice is walking away and doesn't know that these four thousand peanut butter and jam sandwiches and twelve chocolate frogs will go to waste._

_Hope to see you soon,_

_Four Thousand Peanut Butter and Jam Sandwich and Chocolate Frogs Deliverer_

"Lily, I think your owl's been tapped," Alice said, petting Captain. "Four thousand peanut butter and jam sandwiches?"

"And twelve Chocolate Frogs," I added. I stared at the letter in shock.

Alice started laughing and I couldn't help but join in. Four thousand peanut butter jam sandwiches and twelve Chocolate Frogs. And apparently I have shown interest in that. It made me curious as to what my owl has been getting into at night, because I certainly haven't shown the slightest interest in anything, that would make someone believe that I wanted all of that nonsense.

All four thousand and twelve items. Items of insanity, if you will.

"Shall we go see? I'm curious," Alice asked. She had snatched the letter out of my hand and reread it for herself.

I looked at her like she was completely mad. "Go see? Alice, this could be some trick by a Death Eater who's trying to attack harmless owl owners by bribing them with sandwiches and chocolate!"

Alice stared at me.

"The odds of that happening are about four thousand and twelve to one. Let's go." She grabbed my wrist and started pulling me towards the portrait hole. "We'll be back, Marlene!"

We went down the two floors and found the largest statue, Marvin the Moron. Now, you'd think that, even though it's the largest statue, you'd be able to see some hint of one of the four thousand peanut butter and jam sandwiches. Or the twelve Chocolate Frogs. But no. Nothing. Not even a dollop of peanut butter.

Alice was leading the way, confident that somehow, some way, there was going to be four thousand and twelve items of insanity just for us.

Overly confident and gullible prat.

She directed us to the smack center of the statue. We both stood there and stared up at it like complete loons, half expecting the stuff to fall right from Marvin's mouth.

In case you were wondering, it didn't.

I grabbed Alice's arm and we slowly crept around towards the back of Marvin.

"OI! GO! GO! GO!" someone shouted and before I knew what was happening, I got sprayed in the face with something that smelled like strawberries but was definitely not strawberries. I covered my face a split second too late, and from the sound of her immediate swearing, Alice had too.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON?!" Alice hollered, spinning frantically and waving her arms trying to find me. I wiped the red goop out of my eyes and felt my way around for her. But the goop wasn't just on my eyes. It was everywhere. On the floor, and even on Marvin.

"I don't think they're really giving us stuff!" I screamed back. I tried to make my way toward her without slipping, falling, and smacking my head on Marvin or the floor, thus getting a concussion and never being able to get out of this, literally, sticky situation.

"But _what's going on_?"

"Lily?"

Oh boy. I knew that voice. I knew that voice very well, particularly when it was above the normal volume of speaking.

"Potter! What did you _do_?" I screeched, searching for the messy haired boy and getting ready to lunge.

"You sent the letter to _Lily_, Padfoot? Seriously?" he yelled somewhere to my left. I spun in that direction and started running. Running, and I guess I should say slipping. One leg shot up higher in the air than intended mid-step, while the other was not quite balancing on its heel and slipping rather quickly in the general direction of James Potter's voice.

"What?" the voice, that I now knew was Sirius's, shouted in our direction.

"You sent the letter to _Lily!_ Are you _insane_?" James screeched. I could hear his voice getting closer, which, by all means, meant nothing good at that particular moment.

"I didn't know it was her!"

"Oof!"

"What?"

"Lily?" James asked in near disbelief when I collided with him, covering him in whatever sticky substance I happened to be covered in.

"_What _did you _do_?" I yelled, all but jumping on his back and beating him like a mad little person.

I did, after all, have a reputation as Head Girl to keep up with.

"You weren't supposed to get that letter!" James yelled, frantically trying to grab both of my arms to keep me standing and, though he didn't know it, keep me from taking a couple swings at him.

"_You _sent the letter?" I asked as I fought against his hold.

"Lily! _What _is going on?" Alice yelled from the direction I slid from. "Is it Potter? Did he do this? I'm going to beat him with my Comet if he doesn't watch it!"

"I didn't send it! Sirius, that big idiot over there, did! We didn't mean to send it to you, Lily, I _swear_!" James pleaded. He finally let go of my struggling arms and I managed not to slip and fall on my bum.

What an accomplishment.

"What, exactly, was your plan then?" I fumed. My hands were on my hips and I was leaning into him at what felt like a forty five degree angle. I don't know for sure. I didn't have a protractor at the time.

"It was just a prank," he said slowly, hesitantly, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. "Not intended for you, I swear."

"So you were just going to do this to whoever's owl you put the letter on?" I asked outraged.

"Well, when you say it like _that _you make us sound bad," he said with a cocky grin. "The little prats should know not to respond to letters signed _Four Thousand Peanut Butter and Jam Sandwich and Chocolate Frogs Deliverer_. Honestly. What if it was a Death Eater or something?"

I heard the quite distinguishable smack of Alice's palm on her forehead from the goop that was covering us. It still smelled like strawberries.

"What if it went to one of the professors, huh?" I asked. He just grinned.

"That's a chance we were willing to take."

I rolled my eyes at him.

"What is this stuff anyway?" I asked, distracting myself from staring at the big clump of goop in his hair that I wanted to wipe off by looking down at my own goop covered self in disgust.

"Strawberry jam, of course!" Sirius called as he made his way over, helping Alice, who still hadn't gotten all of the stuff out of her eyes, on his way. "With a tiny hint of peanut butter."

"_What_?"

James grinned and held out a Chocolate Frog to me. "We may be pranksters, but we aren't liars, Lily."

* * *

_A/n: Horray for random one shots while waiting for laundry to be finished. This was even more random than anticipated because I asked around for what should go in it. And the response was a letter about peanut butter and jam sandwiches and frogs. So, ha. This is what you get._

_I hope you liked it though. It made me hungry and now I want a strawberry. Like a strawberry poptart. Mmmm._

_Much love and strawberry goo (and a babe, of course),_

_Siriusly Klutzy_


End file.
